Friday, January 20, 2012

The Struggle

And I guess that's it. I keep going back to it. Cycling is not everything. But what a battle that seems to be.

How foolish to even need to say that.

That it is not all encompassing and all there is. Yet seemingly that mental battle is not an easy one. As I banter about what kind of mileage I am getting in, the conversation that goes on in my head for a week after a race, or what kind of workout I need to get in this upcoming week, I am always struck back by the question, "Why?"

I never have a good answer. Pushing my body. Sure. Riding a bike. Sure. Enjoying racing. Sure. But in the end, it won't really keep me happy. It certainly won't give me peace with my wife. It certainly won't raise my children.

Maybe it's a time and place thing. But even if I had no kids and no wife, it still wouldn't make sense. Unless I was going pro, and I mean really pro. For those 20 somethings that spend their mid to late 20s only riding a bike as a mid cat 2 or mid cat 3, it just doesn't make sense. Let me re-phrase that. It does make sense. It just seems to be overwhelming. Not balanced. All encompassing, pushing every decision, and never enough.

All of those guys, just *can't* wait until the next race or ride or next... there is never peace--I fall into this category much more than I would like to admit.

I guess that's the difficulty. What great hope do you(we) see in pushing pedals. I guess that's why it really does in many ways becomes a religion. That's the hope. The next ride. The next hope of peace.

Now I take it all back in some way in the next thought:
There's a bit of peace on a bike that I cannot always find within the walls of structures. My thoughts are clearer. I have a chance to think. Maybe that's the hope. I become a bit more energized. That motivation I needed ten minutes before my ride, I have ten minutes after the ride.

I just know that I don't want it to be all. I know I don't want to waste my life. But struggle and wrestle to find that balance. Between being a Christian, husband, dad,  and then a cyclist.

1 comment:

Bill S. said...

Maybe there's no solution, just the mystery. As Adam Myerson said, "It's just stupid bike racing. But it means everything."

http://www.cyclingdirt.org/coverage/240653-Bay-State-Cyclocross-2011/video/521305-Adam-Myerson-Really-Upset-Bay-State-CX-Day-2